On Sexuality
I don't like the way people talk about sexuality nowadays. People like to perfectly characterize themself as if Sexuality is something objective. Just another part of your personality. I always wondered why people and not only the lgbt community made sexuality that big of a deal. After all it's just about who you are sexually attracted to.I dont know much about my sexuality. As you can probably tell from this site I'm not a sexually active person. Hell I didn't even have a proper relationship yet, let alone a situationship or something comparable.
I like to think that gender is not that important for me.
And now we enter a difficult topic for me. I dont know if this opinion of mine is just a manifestation of a liberal and open mindset. Or if it stems from a dark place of loneliness and the despair to opt for anything at this point. This conflict really made me ponder in the last few months. There was a boy that I really liked and we were close to spot on when it came to interests, personality and experience so far. I felt really attracted to him and got super jealous when he found a boyfriend. I remember having feelings for him and making up scenarios in my head of us being together.
TL:DR he didn't want to be with me. Which I respect. After all nobody wants to be with me. How could I blame him?
Was me making a move on him just despair? Fear of being socially overtaken? Was it genuine? Does it even matter in the grand scheme of things, where these feelings come from?
I'm not sure about this.
I'm a very liberal open-minded person. I remember seeing an street-interview with a random japanese guy that had a stance on sexuality that I really liked.
Here is the clip btw.
After all how can you know if you never tried?
I don't believe that people are born with a set sexuality. They might have some gentic proclivity to favor same-sex relationships but I still believe that the social factor plays a much bigger role in deciding that. Whether it's being into femboys or just starting to develop feelings for your bro. This piece of writing needs a lot more polishing. But I think I got the bottom-line across and showcase where my inner-conflict lies.
Why I do self-harm
I started doing self-harm not too long ago. For me it's a way to express my anger dissatisfaction with myself. But also my dissatisfaction with the world, with situations that I've been in and many other things. I wear my scars like a tattoo. They're a permanent reminder of my current situation which I don't want to forgive nor surpress. It will always be a part of me. My past has coined me a lot. In my thoughts, my opinions and especially in my feelings. I can't just radically change my mind, improve my mind and forget all this time I've been feeling down, neglected, unappreciated and unfairly treated. After all us humans only have one life. And time is really vulnerable. How can I just ignore the long periods of time that coined who I am?It would obviously be much better to just forget about my depressive phases. About my escapism or ignore the experiences that I didn't have. But I just cant help to find peace with this sort of thinking. It would make all my struggles until now completely worthless. As If I had just skipped a huge chunk of my life and locked it away.
People always say that people who do self-harm do so out of attention seeking. I have to admit that attention plays a big role. Talking about your life experiences or your most intimate deep thoughts is really hard. You can't even express them to your best friends because you are afraid of them thinking your a nutcase, a weirdo or whatever. And venting to strangers online is also really cringe. Growing up I had to read so many depressive messages from teenagers online that it almost feels like expressing your feelings online is worthless. No one is interested.
By making your struggles visible through cuts people will see that you had some serious past. They're also a reminder for yourself to never forget who you were and how deep down you were.